THE NEARLY JOINERS

THE NEARLY JOINERS

Everyone who served his country has come across a nearly-joiner. They're the same people that "had trials" for professional football clubs and it was always the big clubs like Manchester United or Arsenal.

Never a small club. ‘Yeah, I got scouted for Bogthorpe United. I was going places until I did my knee in a sliding tackle!’ Or a semi-pro boxer, ‘Yeah, I had to stop due to a skull fracture I had as a kid.’

Let's not kid ourselves. A lot of us joined because we couldn't be bothered to get a proper job.

The army would be double the size if it wasn’t for heart murmurs, flat feet, dodgy knees and being sh*t.

I have to say. I reckon I’ve met all of the combined special forces while working as a security officer, what a f**king privilege!

And then there’s the ones that quit after a few weeks because they couldn’t hack it. I have no problem with that, the military’s not for everyone.

It’s the Belt-fed retards coming up with the bullshit excuses. It was probably more like some shouty bloke upset your feelings; you know the Platoon Sergeant you were going to knock the f**k out before you joined up if they tried to give you a hard time.

‘Yeah, I had no choice, I had to leave because I broke my finger in three places on the scramble net on the assault course last week. I was gutted. They said I was great in the field.’ Really? So are peas and f**king carrots!!!

Then they apply for a veteran’s badge and wear legit combat jackets. And it doesn’t stop there, there’s a good chance some of these nearly-joiners will eventually turn into full blown Walters.

HERE’S A FEW OF THEIR NEARLY JOINED EXCUSES. YOU MIGHT HAVE HEARD A FEW OF THESE

BEFORE, I’VE ADDED A FEW JOKEY ONES.

I would have joined the infantry, but my parents were married. Just saying.

I tried but they told me to Fuck off.

I’m really good at Call Of Duty, so I probably should have joined up.

I didn’t join up because I had to look after grannie’s gerbil.

I tried, but I didn’t get in on medical grounds.

I was too busy chasing skirt and getting high.

They said they had enough problems.

I was ready to become a Recon Navy SEAL Airborne Commando, but I didn’t want to be  registered as a lethal weapon in the FBI database.

On my first day, I kicked the shit out of the drill instructor, PTI and RSM so they discharged me for being too aggressive. And sexy.

My dick was too big.

Didn't like the colour green.

I could read and write and therefore was too intelligent to be cannon fodder. Then I mentioned I could read a map and that stopped me from joining as an officer straightaway.

My knuckles didn’t drag on the ground, and I could hold a crayon properly.

I’m allergic to crayons.

I told them I identified as a hamster.

I couldn’t bring my guide dog.

You don't give people with bipolar a gun and make them run at 5am.

They wanted me to go on camping trips with strange men, I said no thanks and joined the Navy.

Because I was circumcised. 

I kept misgendering my recruiter.

If a drill sergeant got in my face I would get a boner.

I couldn't lick my elbows.

They had nothing in my colour!

I wanted to take my own armoury.

I wanted to work from home.

Bringing my own tank was a bit much.

I refuse to get up before 9am. RAF Regiment for me then.

My lobotomy wasn't successful.

I spoke in complete sentences.

My farts were like earthquakes, giving away my position.

My bald head can be seen by the enemy from 1000 miles.

I looked like a c**t in a maroon beret!

My balcony abseiling skills weren’t good enough.

Loads more stories like this and cartoons in ENDEXCOMIC 2

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