Sweary Army
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British Army Instructors Told to Cut Down on Swearing
So, it’s going to be the softly, softly, approach from now on, is it?
Following a BBC documentary, ‘One doesn’t need to swear to get their point across.
They're just additional wasted words and breath. If you need to prefix every word with the f word, you're not exactly showing great intelligence.’ My answer to that is since when has fucking intelligence been a requirement to stick a bayonet into another man and rip his guts out?
The primary task of the soldier is to kill other soldiers. You don't need a degree in bloody English and a BSc in Social Economics to do that, you twat. ‘Sir, Sir all the men have run away!’ ‘Why?’
‘Well, some guy with an AK47 told them to Fuck Off.’ Does this now mean recruits will no longer have the joy of being bawled at?
‘Jones40 those boots of yours could do with a bit more polish, there’s a good lad, shiny boots are happy boots!
There’s a boot bulling club at 2000 hours tonight if you’d care to join us. Free chocolate biscuits and coffee!’ Or on the drill square. ‘Private Jennings you really are struggling with your drill, aren’t you? Don’t worry lad we’ll all wait for you to catch up, won’t we lads… Leave no man behind.’ Rather than ‘What do we have here, undisputed mong magnet of the fucking year 2023- 2024 do they miss you in the village Jennings? You are a shagging disease and infecting the whole of my fucking squad you fucktard. Get the fuck off my drill square and sort yourself out gedawaaaaay.’
So, it’s going to be the softly, softly, approach from now on, is it? If that is the case, I think it’s up to us veterans to step up and prepare our future fighting men and women for military life.
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The New Age of Gentle Soldiering
(As decreed by His Majesty’s Department of Feelings & Footwear)
Right then, lads and lasses, gather round for the latest instalment of Modern Military Madness, where apparently the British Army — the same outfit that once conquered half the planet armed with nothing but rifles, rum, and unresolved childhood trauma — has decided that swearing is now a bit too spicy for the delicate ears of tomorrow’s warriors.
Because nothing says “elite fighting force” quite like a Corporal whispering,
“Jones, sweetheart, your bayonet grip is a tad suboptimal, poppet.”
🎖️ The New Doctrine: Politeness Before Violence
According to the BBC, instructors must now adopt a “calm, measured tone”.
Lovely. Can’t wait to see that on operations.
Enemy with AK47: “Run away or die!”
British recruit: “Excuse me, sir, but that’s very unkind. We don’t use that sort of language in this regiment.”
And apparently, intelligence is now required for bayonet work.
Since when?
The bayonet is literally the Army’s version of a pencil: pointy end goes in the other bloke.
No dissertation required.
🥾 Boot Bulling, But Make It Mindful
Gone are the days of:
“JONES, I HAVE SEEN MORE SHINE ON A DEAD BADGER’S ARSE, YOU ABSOLUTE DISGRACE TO FOOTWEAR.”
Now it’s:
“Jones40, darling, your boots are expressing a lack of confidence today.
There’s a mindfulness bulling circle at 2000 hours.
Free Hobnobs. Bring your feelings.”
🪖 Drill Square Zen
Old style:
“JENNINGS, YOU ARE A ONE‑MAN PLAGUE OF INCOMPETENCE. GET OFF MY SQUARE BEFORE I REPORT YOU TO THE RSPCA FOR BEING A DANGER TO LIVESTOCK.”
New style:
“Private Jennings, you’re doing your best and that’s what matters.
We’ll all wait for you to catch up.
Group hug at the halt.”
Picture it:
A platoon of recruits advancing across Salisbury Plain, bayonets fixed, shouting:
“PLEASE VACATE THE AREA, THIS IS A TRAUMA‑INFORMED BAYONET CHARGE.”
Enemy forces utterly confused.
War ends early due to emotional exhaustion.
🫡 Veterans: Time to Step Up
If this is the future, then yes — it falls to us veterans to prepare the next generation.
Not with abuse.
Not with rage.
But with the timeless, sacred truths of soldiering:
• Boots should shine like the sun.
• Webbing should be tighter than a Corporal’s budget.
• And sometimes, just sometimes, the only correct punctuation is the word “fuck”.
Delivered with love.
And volume.
And a faint smell of wet grass and diesel.
Sorry, looks like the link was slownto update…
It’s apparently worse in the RAF. Now you have to ask for permission to bollock someone, and COs Orders and summary punishments have been cancelled in favour of Courts Martial run by a civilian!
It’s apparently worse in the RAF. Now you have to ask for permission to bollock someone, and COs Orders and summary punishments have been cancelled in favour of Courts Martial run by a civilian!
It’s apparently worse in the RAF. Now you have to ask for permission to bollock someone, and COs Orders and summary punishments have been cancelled in favour of Courts Martial run by a civilian!